My tiny speaker is blasting “Winona Forever” by Creeper. Ohhh shit she’s listening to CREEPER …you know if you know then you know …haaaa.
Iced coffee in a killer klowns from outer space cup, Mcmittens is spread on my leopard rug (fighting the urge to poke him on his belly)
I’m sick but on the last stage of it …I hope …. I friggin hope.
I have a vanilla cupcake candle on, & my room smells like a birthday cake….& it’s making me wish I had a slice of cake from Whole Foods.
Anyone going to see Jurassic Park tmrw? I’ve read a few reviews already & it sounds fun…but then again name a bad Jurassic park movie ? Exactly.
There has been a whole lotta growing,learning,& changing that has taken place the last 6 months….
I’ve submerged myself completely into my work, trained my eyes to see things I never thought I would,I now know a ton about cats more than ever. Have made some wonderful friendships in the work place. Found out that the storage room is the best place to cry….& it’s okay to do it every day if need to. I broke a whole new record on how many times I’ve made myself bleed with a syringe needle or a microchip needle ..I’m trying to collect em all ..collecting cat scratches like how some y’all collect those damn funko pops.
I digress.
I continue to be able to afford my Rad coffee addiction, started reading again, going out dancing is back on my schedule.
I got to see my favorite band back to back, the ultimate therapy session, they stitched me back up & I was good to go.
Earlier today My best friend said I have become the Taylor Swift of blogging …& with that note I begin ….take a seat.
The unthinkable happened & I fell for someone….I know…I know. What ? How did it happen?! & when exactly ? It’s a different kind of love, I didn’t expect to be so drawn to this person,
I let myself be transparent & vulnerable something that I thought was impossible for me to do ever again… wasn’t on my to do list nor was I searching for it but it happened. And I got hurt. I am
consistently being led down by a false believe that I make up in my head. I have this idea that just because I care, I expect the same type of care in return. You can let your wall down, you can express yourself repeatedly over and over, show them how you feel, you might as well walk around with a sign above your head that reads I have feelings & it will still somehow blow up in your face. I was made to feel easily disposable, & that a feeling so apparent should be dismissed.
Your insecurities start to become visible, one by one & before you know it you’re being triggered by past experiences.
What is real? What is honesty? This isn’t mutual.
Why would someone even like me?
Why am I having flashbacks of someone yelling “it’s so hard to be with you” ?
And then you lay there at night, drenched in this anxiety looking up at the moon through your window uncontrollably sobbing to AFI’s “caught” & that becomes your bed time routine for a month. Till you come to understand that it isn’t your fault. It’s out of your control, & all you can continue to do is heal & hope that the next person can reciprocate those feelings, that the next one will treat you with compassion, kindness, honesty and be gentle. Even if that person is simply meant to be YOU.
We’re so eager to find someone that can fill this void, we’re so desperate to show the world that we’re happy & in a good place. We’re in a rush, to fall in love, & settle even when the red flags can be seen from miles away. People always show us what their intentions are in the very beginning. We’re so enthralled we failed to see them. We’re so lost in this idea that if we have someone there,we automatically forget how messed up we are, that having someone there means you get to sweep your baggage under the rug.
Till you end up hurting another person again, & the cycle repeats. It all starts with you.
I had to walk away , & pretend like this situation never happened. I still struggle, but a lesson is always learned. A chapter ends and on to the next !
I live for the story friends….
It’s okay to cry it out, cry every day but don’t stay down for too long. Don’t ride the gloom wave for too long, or you’ll stay stuck & could potentially miss out on meeting someone worthy,
To anyone that’s going through a transformation, a break up, loosing a loved one, struggling with their mental health, or financially.
I hope that it gets better for you & I am sending a really really tight hug your way.
You’re in my thoughts tonight.
I haven’t written a blog in 6 months and I come back running with bruised knees, cat scratches on my arms , & tired eyes.
I am living & putting myself out there… till next time.
Make sure you hug your cats …& if you’re allergic …pues Te chingastes.
~ Chibi
I can tell you now ..now that I have been caught.
